puis-je aller au paradis si je tue me
mon cheri, trouve-moi, j'ai peur
are you lost too?
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my words sleep here

i am trapped suffocating on my words & wringing my wrists while i am convinced that it was selfish of myself for saying that this was more than i could take. so with this hopelessness in my heart, i will face each & every day knowing that my breath & blood were wasted over stupid fights & stupid feuds & stupid feelings that i couldn’t control nor repeal, so what happens next to me is a complete mystery. i am not prepared to handle this when i am so exhausted & devoted to the careful whims of silent depression & never breathing again. my skin may crave metal blades & scabs to pick, but my overpowering need to feel my stomach growl & my spine stretch & my ribcage through all of my sweaters feels more rewarding to me than any hurt i could inflict would. where i’m left to stand after all of this leaves me in a flustered mess with my head up on my shoulders & my guts & all the rest of me spread across the very floor i’d like to lay upon & never get up from. my cluttered mind throbs while my urges & impulses take over each & every task, leaving me with no say in what is right or wrong for me. i need someone to tell me. my story is a series of mistakes & bad choices, but maybe i can forgive myself eventually. what will it take to find a place i can call home? maybe i am looking in all the wrong places but oh my god those eyes speak of forgiveness & love that i need. can i place my heart in your hand for you to keep?

♥ (or me)
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